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Shout out to all the dads out there—today is your day. And while this "holiday" may be overblown because it's always on a Sunday (a day you had off anyway), and you still have to walk your dog, and pay your bills, and smile through getting a shitty #1 Dad! mug that puts you in a million-way tie with all the other dads whose kids half-assed their gifts, at least you (probably) don't have a half-dozen children to cut child support checks for. That's a plus. Shoutout to you.
Unfortunately, these athletes weren't so lucky. Their propensity to drop their drawers has led to a lifetime of obligations and some well-deserved ridicule. If your dad is laid-back and reflective, maybe you just stay in with him, buy a sports movie, chill out and eat wings. That's a combination you can't go wrong with. Unless of course you're one of these guys, and need a movie theater and full staff to do so. Here's The Most Prolific Fathers in Sports History:
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Adrian Peterson
Number of kids: 5-7
When asked how many kids he had by ESPN in 2013, Adrian Peterson didn't answer with "one," or "two," or any other number that might've been otherwise reasonable. Instead he gave an ominous "I know the truth, and I’m comfortable with that knowledge.” The question stemmed from an incredibly dark incident where Peterson's two-year-old son (whom he had never met) was beaten to death by his mom's boyfriend. Less than a year later, heading into Minnesota's second game, another one of Peterson's sons would make the news, this time for Peterson beating him with a "switch," which led to All Day being suspended all year ruining the hopes for the Vikings' season about three weeks earlier than usual.
Kenny Anderson
Number of kids: 7
Kenny Anderson had a decent NBA career which spanned 14 seasons with teams like the Clippers, Nets, Celtics, Hawks, Hornets, Blazers, and Pacers. After making about $63 million during his playing days, Anderson still managed to go broke and successfully file for bankruptcy in '05 (the year he retired). Over $40K in expenses and child support payments earned him a spot on this list. Life of a Baller 101: $12 for a box of rubbers >>> thousands per month in child support payments. Always remember that.
Mike Tyson
Number of kids: 8
Is this something that surprises you? Really? This is a guy who offered a zookeeper 10 grand to fight a silverback. He used to take his pet Bengal to the dog park. I mean, we did a whole list on all the crazy shit he's done and one of those factoids was his knocking up of a prison official. Oh wait...you're shocked because he only has eight? Okay, yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Vladimir Guerrero
Number of kids: 8
When you have a nickname as cool as "Vlad the Impaler" you have to live up to it. Having eight kids with five different women allowed Guerrero to do just that.
Shawn Kemp
Number of kids: 7+
With seven kids by six moms, Shawn Kemp already has his hands (though, not his pockets) full. That's the number of Kemp offspring that have been confirmed. Rumors push the total closer to 11. And if you count the sonning he put on Alton Lister (which most family courts do) that number jumps up to an even dozen.
Willie Anderson
Number of kids: 9
If you have heard of Willie Anderson before, we applaud you. You're either a true hoop head or one of his seven baby mamas. Anderson did manage to make the most of his time living the baller life by racking up nine kids in his 11 seasons as a pro. Good luck to all those ladies when it comes to child support, though. Just because dude was ballin' doesn't mean he was able to maintain the baller lifestyle. After all, when that career ends, income plummets like a wounded bird.
Muhammad Ali
Number of kids: 9
Muhammad Ali knew how to talk, and he apparently utilized that talent to gab his way into some panties (being rich and famous probably didn't hurt either). When the final bell rang, and the results were all tallied, Ali counted two sons on one hand and seven daughters on, um...one hand. If that total seems a tad high to you, just remember that impossible is nothing for this man.
Willis McGahee
Number of kids: 10
Willis McGahee undoubtedly had an interesting career insofar as he rushed for more than 1,000 yards for three different franchises. In a position with the longevity of a fruit fly's life, that type of productivity is impressive. But as McGahee was compiling yardage in Buffalo, Baltimore, and Denver, he was simultaneously compiling children at a nearly identical rate. This past year when he reached the prestigious double digit plateau he put himself into elite company and guaranteed a place as one of the rare athletes whose life will be even more hectic after he retires.
Jason Caffey
Number of kids: 10+
This list is as much a fucked-up tribute to father's on Father's Day as it is a PSA to wear a rubber or, if you don't have one, watch a movie or go out for ice cream or something. Seriously dude, consequences can await if you frequently feed into the desires of your ding dong. Enter: Jason Caffey, a Bulls reserve who won two rings and earned $29 million dollars on a pair of '90s Chicago teams. Not soon after his career dried up, so did the money. When the money dried up, the legal problems hit. When the legal problems hit, a judge dismissed his bankruptcy filing. When that happened, the mothers of his children (which at last count was eight) sought back child support that added up to several hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Travis Henry
Number of kids: 11+
When you breakdown Travis Henry's life, his kids came at the following stages:
One in high school.
Two while at the University of Tennessee.
Six during his seven-year NFL career.
Two after retiring.
What that adds up to is enough kids to field his own football team or, as his lawyer estimated: at least $170,001 per year in child support. That's almost certainly more money than Henry has which would explain why he was arrested in 2009 for failing to pay up. It also might explain why he was busted in '08 for being "the ruthless 'money guy' in a cocaine trafficking ring." Financing coke rings can get you sent to the grown up version of detention, and Henry served three-years in prison while also coughing up $4 million in fines. For those who don't feel like busting out the calculator, that's 23-and-a-half years of child support flushed down the drain. When he got out of prison the NFL re-instated him, but believe it or not there was no market for a 34-year-old back who hadn't played in five years.
Evander Holyfield
Number of kids: 11
Mike Tyson created one of the most infamous moments in the history of boxing when he bit off Evander Holyfield's ear, but had he bit his dick off he would've been doing Evander a huge favor (even if he wouldn't realize it at the time). Instead he left it intact and, as of 2012, Evander owes well over half-a-million dollars in child support. That might explain why Holyfield still has to maintain a career instead of icing down a lifetime of boxing wear-and-tear. Last year he appeared on Celebrity Big Brother (UK) where he became the first housemate ever evicted after suggesting homosexuality "ain't normal" and "could be fixed." Could be fixed, huh? Sounds like Holyfield should take his own advice.
George Foreman
Number of kids: 12 (two of whom are adopted)
George Foreman hits double-digits with an even dozen: seven girls (with names that vary), and five boys all named "George," because you try being creative when you've taken tens of thousands of blows to the head. Unlike many people on this list, George is able to pay for his children due in small-part to the fact that he boxed into his late forties, and in large--no, wait--make that massive-part to the fact that he had the foresight to attach his name to a grill that sold more than 100 million units. Those stupid infomercials he used to do made everyone forget what a badass he used to be, but they also resulted in a veritable lottery's worth of riches.
Hey, every once in awhile an athlete makes a good financial decision.
Antonio Cromartie
Number of kids: 12+
One of the few dudes on this list who's still active, we'd say learn from the mistakes of your fellow list-mates, but the fact that the Jets had to advance him $500,000 to make "outstanding child support payments" leads us to believe that advice is falling on deaf ears (oh, and also there's no fuckin' chance he's reading this). When the Jets were featured on Hard Knocks, Cromartie struggled mightily to recall the names of all of his youngsters.
Since then he's added three more.
Calvin Murphy
Number of kids: 14
The shortest Hall of Famer in NBA history was nicknamed the "Pocket Rocket," and he lived up to it with an appalling lack of shame, having 14 kids by nine different women. Worse yet he was before his time, playing a hand in the birth of his very own kindergarten class, but playing too early (1970-1983) to have the funds to set those kids up for life, as well as playing too early before TLC became a network to grant you your own reality show for having a fuck-ton of them. In 2004 he was acquitted of the charges of molesting five of his 10 daughters, an acquittal that was eventually rewarded with a spot in the NBA's mentoring program. We guess it was just the NBA's small way of saying thanks, you know, for not sexually abusing your children.
Garrincha
Number of kids: 14+
If you'd never heard of Garrincha, nobody could blame you, '50s/'60s Brazilian soccer stars rarely come up in everyday conversations. But the man was a legend on the pitch (or so we hear), coming in seventh in the FIFA Player of the Century vote and being named to the World Team of the 20th century. Off the field he was a little less, uh, let's go with put together. His heavy drinking led to problems on Brazilian roadways. His marriages (and subsequent affairs) led to more kids than even Mary Poppins could handle. And his resulting problems with his marriages (and finances) led to even heavier drinking which caused him to die from cirrhosis of the liver.
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Happy Father's Day!